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Thud, Kathunka, Thud
And to think that everything in the world starts with love
A man and a woman are sitting
in a café with their eyes locked and their hearts thudding
with that intangible look in their eyes and their wish
to speak the words “I love you and I miss
you” even though they are there together and their hands
are intertwined. She uses her finger to trace along the bones in his hands
and trace invisible hearts onto his cream-colored skin to show her love
for him without speaking the words aloud. She knows she must leave or else she’ll miss
her bus. The god forsaken bus that takes her away from him where she must sit
in seclusion, staring through the grime streaked windows at the sun wishing
that she could relax in the sun’s rays in his arms as her heart begins to thud
faster and faster. Her heart races flutters and thuds
so loudly she thinks the whole bus can hear and the palms of her hands
start to sweat because of that false memory that she wishes
were true. Oh, how the girl wishes it were true, as true as her love
for the man, who remains in that café with his cup of coffee sitting
staring out the front window of that café as he checks his phone for a missed
call or a text message from a friend that he missed
because he could not hear or feel the vibration from his phone over the sound of the thudding
of his heart as he ate lunch with the woman, sitting
at the table by the window in the sunlight that made the skin of his hands
look luminescent. The light that reflected off his skin made him think how love
made him glow and have that aura of happiness around him. He wished
that the girl would be thinking of him as she looked up at the night sky later and made her wish
and that maybe that wish would come true and shorten that agonizing period of time of missing
each other. Oh, how the man was madly in love
with that woman. He imagined going to her apartment unannounced and knocking, thudding
on her door until she came to the door, with a smile on her face, TV remote in hand
and her asking him if he’d like to come in an sit
a while with her on the green and tan striped couch. They would sit
and talk about things of the world and what they wished
for the future. Their fingers would intertwine like vines as they held hands
on that green and tan striped couch. The phones could ring off the hook but they wouldn’t care about the missed
calls they were receiving. The only significant sounds in their world was the sounds of the thudding
of their hearts syncing up to one another, in the perfect harmony called love.
Fingers like vines sprouting from their hands becoming inseparable as they sit
there, fully enveloped in the love they have wished
for their entire lives. Miss becomes Mrs. and the two thuds become one thud.
Wants
The heaviness in my chest
Sits there
I am chained
To this heavy rock
Left out to dry
Like an old Greek goddess
Is tied to the stone
I want this heaviness to be gone
It is the point where
The earth and the sky meet
The point where Atlas
holds the skies from crashing down
It is that type of pressure
In my chest that comes from wanting
Wanting
Wanting
To do the right thing
I want to be the best I can be
Just being the best for me and the people around me
I want the right thing to be easy
But then it’s not the right thing anymore
The right thing is never easy
My breathing becomes labored
From all the stress
From doing the right thing
Looking back
Reflectively
To see if it really was right
I know my morals
I’m not willing to compromise
And that is when I realize
That the Atlas pressure in my chest
Will never be relieved as long as
I want
To do the right thing
Phone Calls From Home
We fell asleep on the phone
And I awoke to you snoring at 4 AM
I still wish you were here with me
Even though I was interrupted
I awoke to you snoring at 4 AM
Well before my alarm was supposed to go off
Even though my sleep was interrupted
The pseudo-alarm annoyed me
Well before my alarm was supposed to go off
I stared at the underside of the bunk for what seemed like hours
The pseudo-alarm annoyed me
My eyelids refusing to close or open
I stared at the underside of the bunk for what seemed like hours
I was hoping and praying I wouldn’t be up all night
My eyelids refusing to close or open
They are stuck in the in between
I was hoping and praying I wouldn’t be up all night
Especially since I am without you
They are stuck in the in between
Hoping to see your face and not just hear your voice
Especially since I am without you
I still wish you were here with me
Hoping to see your face and not just hear your voice
We fell asleep on the phone
Love is a Grandma
Falling asleep on the couch
The elderly woman sleeps on the loveseat
While I fall asleep on the couch
The couch was not anything special
Extra tough fabric covered it
But it did not matter to me
The next morning would be Christmas
The smell of Kielbasa already permeated my thoughts
And my stomach was in the eternal state of hunger
The sound of EWTN filled the air as well as
A couple Christmas songs here and there
I snuggled up on the couch for the night
Awaiting the morning when the rest of my family would arrive
The morning arrived and I was more than glad to wake up
Next to the her
She had fallen asleep with one of her yarn creations in her lap
Even though she was weak
From endless rounds of chemo that didn’t work
She still continued
To make baby hats for premature babies
At the local hospital
In the morning she would greet me with a warm smile
The kind that you could only get from your grandma
Because grandma smiles are different than regular ones
Those kind of smiles are the ones that radiate warmth
Even on the coldest of December days
Occasionally she would send me
My little ten year old self
To go check the garage
Whenever we heard the door open
And to help my relatives with the food and gifts
That they brought to share
I miss the days when grandma was at Christmas
But I haven’t had one with her since 8th grade
Even though the sounds and the smells have stayed the same
Holiday’s just aren’t the same without my loving grandma.
The Place I Used To Go
The place I used to go was an incredible place
It had trees
A stream
A pond
And an old abandoned house that used to be a mill
The grindstones and a few bricks
Were all that were left
There were dirt pathways worn in by does and by bucks
And the places where the grasses were matted down
Where those deer liked to sleep
And to dream
The place that I used to go was a place where imagination ran wild
I used to imagine what it was like to climb down the side of the valley
Through the lush green trees
Through the meadows
Where wildflowers and grasses grew
And live in that house
I used to imagine what the people who lived there were like
Did they have children?
Or pets?
What did they like to do when the day’s work was done?
I came up with many different options but I will never really know
The place I used to go was full of life
Everything was so green
Some place you would think existed in a fairy tale
Wild animals were everywhere
From the birds in the trees
To the fish in the stream
The sky and the water and everything in between
The cliff on the far side of the valley
Seemed to have some magical power to grow
Vines and other shrubs out of its vertical surface
The shale by the stream always provided the best skipping stones
The place I used to go does not exist anymore
The valley has been filled in
With dirt and stone
And pavement had been laid over top
Every day thousands of people in airplanes
Cross over top of what used to be
That place I used to go
The Contents of the Closet
Two doors stand in a remembered room
Against the walls
A light shade of pink
Adorned with left over memories
Pictures and stickers
They slide on a track that could really use some grease
With a grip on the old brass handle
And some effort
The doors open
They open unto old clothes and old shoes
Things that the daughter left when she went away to college
There are old concert t-shirts
Hung up on the hangers
Not taken because the daughter wanted
A more sophisticated wardrobe
The concerts they came from were wild and a mess
But here they now hang
All clean and pressed
There are other things in there besides clothes and shoes
There’s an old tin canister with the daughter’s name scrolled on top
It was where she collected the cards she received
Reminding her of times past
And of senders who now lie six feet under
There is an old rolled up rug that used to lay on the floor
But she’s put it away cause it didn’t fit anymore
There is an old wooden chess set
That still smells of wood stain
But it sits there untouched
Because the daughter’s moved on to makeup and boyfriends
So abandoned on the top shelf this chess set now stands
The Battle
Explosion
Screaming
Yelling
Tears fall down
Down
Down
Never both at once
An alternating flood from either side
And a
Knock
Knock
Knock
A march through the hall
With a slow trudge
One with a vindication
The other with fake tears
Oh, what a lovely pair they make
Studies
Sitting
Breathing
My abdomen rises and falls
Will he be late again?
Or will the new boundaries
Fall.
Fall to the ground, to be consumed
In the linoleum
The squeak of a chair
That rips open a chasm in
That linoleum floor
From underneath the
Gray, flecked linoleum
Comes a bubbling
Writhing
Mess
Not solid
Not liquid
Not air
Time passes but the setting is familiar
But it is also entirely different
This time chatter ensues
But it seems to be only for a select few
Forbidden Activities
11 PM
Before the evening news
Gets into full swing
It is silenced by the push of a button
Unwillingly I climb into my bed and
Start to put the headphones on
With the same enthusiasm that
The hanged man has while
The noose is being placed
Around his neck
I hear her complaining
Through the sound emitted from the buds in my ears
About a knocking in the pipes over the sound that is coming from the headphones
She’s complaining so loudly that it
Causes me to take off
My headphones
To see if I can say something to calm her down
“You can’t help the pipes” I say
And she’s threatening to run to the third floor and rip out the pipes
It really wasn’t that loud
But relief ran through my head
When I remembered that she was moving out this week
And it was enough to make me smile a bit as I rolled back over
To drift off to sleep
Awake
Insomnia deprives
Me of the much needed sleep
My eyes droop
Closed but not unconscious
Nothing making sense
My brain doesn’t work
Right anymore
I can feel my brain
Sliding out through my ears
1. Strands of grey and blue
combined together
form a hat
2. The unused tickets
a pair thumb tacked to the board
a football game missed
3. Letter like a ransom note
pasted on a piece of paper
saying “I love you”
4. Books on the shelf
some for class and some for pleasure
collecting dust
5. A box of sugar
supports the bag of coffee
waiting for the morning
6. A box of chocolates sits
waiting for Valentine’s Day
in the arms of a bear
7. Two coffee cups sit
next to the coffee pot
waiting for company
8. Standing by the window
I draw the curtains shut
the end of the day
9. Cardboard peeled back
exposes the cans inside
the other caffeine source
10. White magnets stand out
against the black of the fridge
artistically arranged
11. Black lace envelopes
the box of cosmetics on the shelf
a Christmas present
12. Rubber bands collected
wrapped around the bottle of lotion
impromptu storage
13. The box of cereal
on top of the microwave
left unsealed
14. The coiled glass
sits in the socket
a compact fluorescent
15. Lipton tea
new pyramid bags
promise proper brewage
16. Upon the shelf
one lone picture frame sits
turned toward the wall
17. The sidewalk outside
the snow compacted from boots
remains unplowed
18. The whir of the fan
from the forced air heater
is very noisy
19. The drawer propped open
exposes the items inside
overflowing mess
20. The calendar hangs
with a reminder for the weekend
a two year anniversary
21. An address book sits
filled with old friends
who have probably moved
22. This computer is annoying
it keeps deleting my sentences
increasing my fury
23. A soreness in my shoulder
reminds me of that one time
I had to get a shot
24. I should not have taken that
painkiller with sleep aid
it makes me drowsy
25. I needed to get things accomplished
but life got in the way
another task incomplete
26. The numbers slowly increase
showing my progress
but not quick enough
27. Underneath the couch
a sock lays abandoned
waiting to be found
28. A package of crayons
with the pink crayon missing
sits in the desk drawer
29. The bed is made
hastily in the morning
before I run out the door
30. The Swiss cake rolls
that sit on the shelf
call my name
31. A nice tall glass
sounds like a good idea
milk is delicious
32. The chocolate coating
on the nutty bars are melting
because of the thermostat
33. A text message interrupts
the just found groove
but it isn’t important
34. A pink plastic duck bill
is a broken whistle
from a cousin’s birthday
35. The sky is dark
and the air is quite cold
outside my window
36. A lanyard hangs
on the key holder from
A school I went to
37. My car keys dangle
off of the lanyard
remaining hardly used
38. My boyfriend calls
to remind me he loves me
he’s a keeper
39. The watch I bought
engraved with a message from me
sits on the desk
40. In the background
I hear the drama on MTV
capturing immaturity
41. Another column down
three more to go
but it seems like forever
42. The bed looks so inviting
knowing that I have work to do
I stay away
43. A vial of lotion
in a scent I don’t like
hides behind a box
44. Someone came by
they erased the message
left by my old neighbors
45. I’m sick of TV
this channel plays the same commercials
over and over again
46. I am not looking forward
to another day of classes
increasing my tiredness
47. The project for English
makes no sense
there is no explanation
48. The sticker of a shoe
was placed above the hallway
the most random placement
49. An Indians hat
hanging off of the corner of the bed
brings back good memories
50. My work schedule hangs
upon the magnetic calendar
with my name highlighted
51. Exhilaration fills me
reaching the half way point
fifty one is nifty
52. Far too many wrappers
are strewn about the room
the product of a sweet tooth
53. Sleep really calls
my eyelids feel especially heavy
but they must stay open
54. Running through the schedule
I try to figure out the best time
to take a nap
55. Why is it so hard to think
when my thoughts are expressed
through my printers ink
56. Two ladders are hidden
being left unused
under the bed
57. Three vials of oils
used to fragrance the room
sit on the shelf
58. The timer filled with goo
rests on the bookshelf
waiting to be flipped
59. The tassel from the perfume
dangles off the edge
reminder of a pleasant fragrance
60. A large green cup
sits next to the computer
and will remain that way
61. My legs rest against the desk
increasing the indent left
in my shins
62. The knitting needles
with a half finished project on them
stick out of the yarn
63. A blue stapler
sits filled with
blue staples
64. Sarah Jane is gone
it makes things so much easier
stress is relieved
65. The body pillow
with trucks on the pillowcase
stays wedged against the wall
66. A calendar is used
to keep track of times
so it keeps people honest
67. A pumpkin note pad
is the best way to make sure
I remember little things
68. I need to remember
So I will write myself a note
to take out the trash
69. I scan the room
finding nothing to eat
as my tummy grumbles
70. The graded papers
rest on top of the scanner
waiting to be put away
71. A small orange basketball
is a form of entertainment
to pretend I’m LeBron
72. A purple cloth headband
is my least favorite hair thing
but I use it anyways
73. I really hope that
sleep will come easily today
because I desperately need it
74. Walking through the snow
I secretly wish it was waist high
instead of knee high
75. It makes me happy
when I know that my boyfriend
just calls to say “I love you”
76. My toes feel like ice
I am too lazy to find socks
to put on my feet
77. Waking up
I feel my hear accelerating
looking at thc clock
78. There is no time left
I feel sick
my stomach churns
79. The time ticks by
but I am not moving fast enough
as my stomach flips
80. The toilet looks at me
as I hover over the bowl
trying to keep my insides inside
81. The world doesn’t make sense
as the rushing sound filled my ears
confusion sets in
82. I’m confused
and the longest hours were spent
lying on the bathroom floor
83. I look around the room
at clothes strewn about
I should pick them up
84. My stomach grumbles
it feels empty but I’m afraid to eat
hoping the feeling passes
85. I feel the cold start to set in
as I shiver on the floor
searching for warmth
86. The bag hangs by the door
I rip it off
as I search for the keys
87. Time stops moving
as I feel sickened
perpetual sickness
88. A letter hangs
posted on the board
a reminder for an appointment
89. A sticky note is something
bright orange with blue writing
that I cannot find
90. I rummage through old papers
searching for that sticky note
that has a room number on it
91. If the chills we not so bad
I would love to open the window
to get some fresh air
92. I frantically try to find
the strength that eludes me
stolen by sickness
93. A water bottle lies on the floor
label half on
should put that away
94. The coffee pot stands
unused this morning
I’m unable to stomach it
95. I search the air
for something to breathe
that isn’t stale air
96. I have two calculators
even though I have no math classes
I have them
97. I see the ugly pair of sunglasses
that I have never used
sitting on the shelf
98. The extension cord sits on the floor
as another place
to plug things in
99. My memory card is in my camera
I should take it out
and upload the pictures
100. A triple digit number
makes me very happy
because I have reached it
